being behind while everyone else seems ahead

i dont know why im writing this at 2am but here we are

so i just closed instagram for the third time tonight and i keep opening it again like something is going to change.

spoiler: nothing changes.

same people doing well. same apartments in lekki. same engagement announcements. same “we made it” posts from people who were literally struggling with me two years ago.

and im here. still here. in the same place. doing the same things. telling myself “its coming” but not really believing it anymore.

i dont even know what im trying to say with this post. maybe im just tired. maybe im just having one of those nights where everything feels heavy and i cant even explain why.

you know that feeling when someone asks what youre doing these days and you have to give them the short version because the long version sounds like excuses? yeah. that.

“im working on some things”

“still figuring it out”

“you know how it is”

but inside youre screaming because you thought youd be further by now. you thought youd have something concrete to show. you thought people would stop asking that question because it would be obvious what youre doing.

i finished school. did the whole thing. got the degree. and then… what exactly?

applied to jobs that ghost you. did freelance work that pays barely anything. watched everyone announce their japa like its the only option. uk. canada. doesnt even matter where. just anywhere thats not here.

and the thing is i dont even know if i want to leave. but staying feels like admitting something. like saying “i couldnt make it work elsewhere so im stuck here.”

mehn this pressure is something else.

my phone buzzes. another person i know just posted about their new role. senior something at some company. good for them. i mean that. but also… when is it my turn?

i know everyone says comparison is the thief of joy or whatever. i know social media is fake. i know people only post the good parts. i know all of that.

but knowing it doesnt stop the feeling.

it doesnt stop that sick thing in your stomach when you realize another year is almost over and youre basically in the same spot. different day. same problems. same questions. same “i’ll figure it out soon.”

and people love to remind you that others have it worse. “at least you have a degree.” “at least youre not in the village.” “at least youre healthy.”

like gratitude and frustration cant exist at the same time. like being aware that others struggle means you cant acknowledge your own.

I’m grateful. i really am. but im also tired.

tired of refreshing job sites. tired of writing proposals that go nowhere. tired of watching the dollar climb while my account stays the same. tired of power going out in the middle of important things. tired of explaining why im still here when everyone expected me to be gone by now.

tired of feeling like im running as fast as i can but the finish line keeps moving.

my friend relocated last year. we talk sometimes. he tells me about the cold and the racism and how hard it is to make friends. how he sends money home and barely has anything left. how he misses jollof and his family and just being understood without having to explain everything.

but he also has a job. stability. a path forward.

and I’m here wondering if staying was brave or stupid.

i tell myself im on my own timeline. i tell myself everyone’s journey is different. i tell myself im exactly where im supposed to be.

but at 2am when im scrolling and everyone else seems to have it figured out? i dont believe any of that.

i just feel behind.

behind in career. behind in money. behind in life. behind in everything that apparently matters.

and the worst part? i dont even know what im chasing anymore.

success? money? validation? proof that i didnt waste time?

all of it? none of it?

im supposed to end this with something hopeful probably. some lesson about patience or trusting the process or whatever.

but i dont have that tonight.

tonight im just sitting with this feeling. this heavy, uncomfortable, annoying feeling that i cant shake.

maybe tomorrow ill feel different. maybe ill wake up motivated and ready to try again.

or maybe ill just feel this same way but with better lighting.

i dont know.

im just tired of pretending im not tired.

if youre reading this and you feel the same way… i dont have advice for you. i dont have answers.

but youre not crazy for feeling it. and youre not alone in it.

even if it feels like you are.

especially at 2am when everyones sleeping and youre just here. scrolling. thinking. wondering when it gets easier.

if it gets easier.

have you ever felt like this? like genuinely felt like everyone moved on without you? what did you do? did it pass? does it pass?

im asking because i actually dont know.